One of the most common reasons that families reach out to me for consultations is to help them sort out their toddler's behavior. In these conversations there are some phrases that come up time and again. One of these is "It just comes out of nowhere." Or similarly, "It happens for no reason." I understand the feeling. Toddlers' reactions can often seem disconnected from the immediate cause. The intensity doesn't always match the perceived trigger. And to top it off, young children are generally not equipped to tell us why they felt the need to to throw themselves on the floor so dramatically when you suggested they put on their socks.
You might hear an "I don't like those socks!" but I have yet to come across a two-year-old who can express, "Well, I'm feeling ambivalent about going to daycare. I want to see my friends AND I'm sad to say goodbye to you. Sometimes it feels like a long time without you. As soon as my shoes are on I know we're on our way, so yeah... I don't really want to put on my socks."
The thing is there is always something behind the behavior. Children's behavior is one of their primary forms of expression. The challenge for us as parents or educators is understanding what is being communicated. What need are they trying to meet?
A very typical approach to dealing with unwanted behaviors is to focus on the behavior itself. Some families come to me having tried positive reinforcement techniques (praising desired behavior). Others have tried consequences or punishment to discourage unwanted behaviors. Most families I speak with have tried some combination of the two. These approaches are grounded in behaviorist theories of development. Behaviorist approaches aim to shape behavior. If they address underlying reasons, they do so only indirectly. In general, I find that at best they are effective only in the short-term. In response to these methods, the original behavior may morph into something else that looks very different, giving us the sense that the intervention worked when in reality the need is still being expressed. For example, a child may stop relying on hitting to communicate discomfort around a new sibling, but will seek to express their emotional needs through a newly challenging bedtime. The sleep disruption may then seem to "come out of nowhere," when in reality it is still tied to the feelings that led to the hitting in the first place.
A different approach, the one I use with families and the one that current research in neuroscience and development supports, is to focus on understanding and addressing the needs behind the behavior. If their needs are met, the child no longer has to rely exclusively on unexpected or challenging behaviors to express themselves. It's not that these will suddenly disappear (a toddler is still a toddler), but they will fall away more easily without necessarily hardening into stubborn patterns. Even better, by seeking to address root causes, you will be strengthening your relationship with your child and growing everyone's capacity for empathy.
Sometimes, stepping back to find the space and perspective to understand what is really going on with our toddlers can be hard. It can help to know about child development and common challenges at various points in development. It can help to put ourselves in our child's shoes for a moment and remember that when so much of your experience is new and few things are within your control, changes like a move to a big kid bed can be confusing and a big deal. And it can help to have someone who gets it to talk things through with.
As a new parent, even with all of my experience and knowledge about babies, I still found myself looking to my daughter's pediatrician for support. Like many parents, the first few months with my baby were a time when days and nights ran into each other, and the little nucleus that was myself, my husband and my baby filled every moment. It was difficult to step back, take a breath, and find some greater perspective on the experience because it was all encompassing. So we found ourselves looking to the experts around us. Other parents, my doula, my midwives, colleagues, and our pediatrician.
It was a support network that we had to create. We were able to do so because we had the resources and education to do it. And because of my professional experience, when I was confronted with advice and screenings that were misinformed, misguided, or that simply didn't fit our family I was able to discard the information in favor of my intuition and knowledge. I did not always feel comfortable advocating for my family, but I always felt confident about my decisions. Not all families have this privilege.
Pediatricians are uniquely positioned to offer families support because they are often the primary point of contact for new parents. Babies are in the office every couple of weeks or months in the first year. Progress can be tracked. Parents and babies can be observed. And when an office is equipped to offer the kinds of support that new families need (including lactation experts, postpartum mental health specialists, developmentally sound advice rather than opinions, community, and inclusivity), babies and families thrive. Care can be holistic, compassionate, and transformative.
This is why I am encouraged by Premier Pediatric's new pilot program, The First Month Project. It is a collaboration between this pediatric practice and a robust group of local professionals including psychologists, midwives, doulas, lactation consultants, early childhood specialists, social workers and more. By bringing together a network of resources in the community, The First Month project aims to "ease the transition and address the needs of your young family." Premier Pediatrics is committed to supporting babies and children by supporting their families. Offering the First Month Project is a way to help start parents on their journey from a place that is grounded in community and care.
I am happy to be joining the First Month Project at Premier Pediatric's Brooklyn office, where I will collaborate with Dr. Jon Sarnoff to offer classes about infant development.
Raising a Healthy Sleeper
Raising a Happy Eater
Development: What's around the corner?
You can read more about the project at www.thefirstmonth.org and about Premier Pediatrics at www.premierpedsny.com
With the first snow of the season, colorful lights have started to appear in windows and lobbies here in Brooklyn. The holiday season is upon us. Many families will soon be celebrating a holiday (or two or three), and everyone will notice the sights and sounds of this time of year, especially our children. December comes with excitement and anticipation. It also brings lots of stimulation, social gatherings, family, travel for some, and changes in routine. And feelings. Lots of feelings.
This is a month where finding balance becomes important for everyone. Which routines are okay to let go of? Which ones are helpful to keep in place? When it comes to young children, they are our best guides. Some babies and toddlers adapt easily to changes, and others will need more support. That support might look like setting boundaries around nap times, or it might mean that naps look different while you're away from home.
Sometimes, in the excitement and bustle of this time of year, we can lose sight of what things might feel like from our child's perspective. Holidays like Christmas and Hanukkah are often presented with much fanfare and enthusiasm. Whether it is the expectant gaze of a grandparent who is eager to share a tradition, or the Christmas carols playing in every store, children notice the intensity. Without many previous experiences to ground their understanding, this can sometimes result in discomfort or a child that is easily overwhelmed. Slowing down can help. So can adjusting our expectations, adapting our traditions, and preparing babies and toddlers for what their holiday will look like.
A joyful and peaceful holiday with babies and toddlers is possible, and an amazing opportunity for bonding and growth. Learning to adapt and be flexible will benefit our children (and our families) when we set ourselves up for success.
If you are local, and have specific questions consider joining my yearly Joyful Baby & Toddler Holidays class at The Wild on December 14th.
Topics will include:
Toddlers are confusing. Never did I understand this so well as when my own child entered toddlerhood. Even with over a decade of experience working specifically with this age group, at times I found myself scratching my head and wondering what in the @#$&# was going on. When it came to my own daughter, I needed to remind myself to step back and understand things from a developmental perspective, and so this workshop came about.
Understanding Toddler Emotions is the workshop I needed when my child started to assert her independence with a full-throated "NO." The information I have gathered here is what allows me to approach her from a place of compassion when she cries that I "broke her orange" by peeling it, and with patience and boundaries when she attempts to extend our night-time routine by just a little more each night. A combination of developmental theory, practical tools, and mantras to hold onto in the most challenging moments, this workshop is your companion guide to the toddler years. A year after I initially put it together, I still walk away from each session reminded of something that I know I'll use this very week in my own home.
If you've entered into this exciting chapter of parenthood, and are looking for some answers, some community, and some laughs, consider joining one of the next classes or hosting one in your home.
Understanding Toddler Emotions
December 7th, 3-4:40pm at The wild
I am a big fan of using mantras as a parent. The right mantra has the power to bring focus and awareness to a moment that has almost gotten away from me. It can help me quiet the static in my head so that I am able to respond to my child sensitively rather than reacting from a place of frustration, misunderstanding, or disconnect.
A good mantra is one that speaks to you. It should be simple and easy to remember. It could be a sound to bring you back into yourself. It could be a word that reminds you to "breathe" or "wait." It could even be a phrase that reminds you of an important truth and brings perspective to a moment.
One of my recent favorite mantras is Michelle Obama's famous phrase:
"When they go low, we go high."
There are several reasons why I find this an effective phrase to call up. First of all, I find that calling it up in the face of a negotiation with a determined toddler makes me laugh. Humor helps me find some space in the situation and I am able to breathe a little easier. It also gives me an instant perspective--the gravity of the low that Michelle was referring to reminds me that however big a conflict with a toddler can seem, I am more than equipped to handle it.
Most importantly it reminds me of a truth about development. Our prefrontal cortex (the outermost, frontal part of the brain) does not finish developing until the mid-late twenties. This "highest" part of the brain is responsible for executive functions including:
-reason & logic
It is the part of the brain we are relying on as adults when we have had a long day and our commute home gets extended. Here in NYC I see it on the subway. Delays are announced and folks have all kinds of "high brain" strategies for dealing with the frustration. Breathing, distracting themselves with reading or a phone, shifting back and forth, walking to the other end of the train, sighing, sharing the frustration with another commuter.
Toddlers, no matter how precocious, do not have the full range of access to these abilities that we do as adults. Even as adults, depending on our level of stress, our childhood experiences, our emotional state, past trauma, and other factors, we are not always able to rely on our prefrontal cortex to regulate how we respond to a given situation. In the subway example, I notice this in my own increasing desire to let out a frustrated scream.
So toddlers, especially emotionally overwhelmed toddlers, are operating from a deeper or "lower" part of the brain that is instinctive and impossible for them to rationally control. There is no conscious manipulation. There is no intent to hurt or anger.
When confronted with a toddler who is "going low" our responsibility is to "go high." This means that we, who have access to reason, understanding and perspective taking, put those abilities to good use. We meet our toddler with empathy. We become their calm. We acknowledge their emotions without judgement. We wait with them. Each situation will be unique.
As we model "going high" the most amazing thing happens and our toddler's brains begin to learn and shape themselves after us. Over time, and with lots of repetition we are giving them the gift of a robust and well developed brain that can handle anything that comes its way.
Sleep regression. Potty training regression. Separation regression. The implication is always of a step backward. A loss of sorts. Of course, what we mean as parents is that our baby or toddler is behaving in a way we thought they had outgrown. Maybe they're waking more often or clinging to us at drop-off when they used to walk in to daycare without a second glance.
Regressions are such a normal part of development, that some are even presented as inevitable. "The dreaded four month sleep regression" comes to mind. They become something to check off a list of milestones. Something to get through. To tackle.
A different way to think about regressions is that they are periods of time when our baby or toddler (or child, or spouse, or friend) needs more support to do some of the things that they are capable of doing. It may be that they have acquired a major new skill that their body and brain need to practice over and over to master--like learning to roll. Or that a new perspective on their independence, such as when they learn to crawl, has suddenly made them more aware that they don't control your comings and goings. Maybe they moved up a room in daycare and the change in environment means they need extra cuddles and time to feel safe.
Whatever the reason, these are moments when our child is seeking support and reassurance. Sometimes it may be emotional, such as reminding a recently potty trained child that they will always be your baby and you will always care for them. Sometimes it may be more physical, such as helping your newly rolling baby get back to sleep comfortably. At times it may require lovingly holding boundaries to help a toddler feel safe. Rest easy that your child is not somehow backsliding. They are growing and changing, and needing help from their loved ones is a part of that.
There is a predictable cycle to development. One part of the cycle is outward facing. These are times when our child is feeling capable, confident, and curious to venture into the world and try new things. The other part of the cycle faces in, towards home. These are times when our child needs reassurance, welcoming arms, and some willing help. Children are always at some point of this cycle, and it can change from moment to moment. Our job as caregivers is to notice and respond as well as we can. We won't be able to always meet the needs but it matters that we're prepared to try. When children can draw nourishment from our empathy, they are able gather themselves and reemerge with confidence.
What would happen if instead of framing the inward facing moments as regressions, we thought of them simply as a time when our child needs us close by. A time of gathering?
The first few months home with my daughter were a time of tremendous growth for my husband and I. There were many things that we suddenly found very difficult to do. Making dinner felt nearly impossible some days. So we reached out for help. What did that help look like? Having a parent or friend make us dinner. Ordering take-out. Hearing, "This is a hard time right now, I can help." not "You can do it! You know how to make easy dinners. I believe in you." Just because you offer your child more support today, does not mean that they will become dependent on it for the long run. If they have been given sensitive support, your child will shortly go back to doing things for themselves, just as my husband and I now cook dinner most nights. (And when we need to, we still order take-out.)
A very important caveat, a true developmental regression such as a loss of skills, vocabulary, or movement abilities should be discussed with your child's pediatrician as it could be a cause for concern. Similarly, if you sense that your child's development has stalled, it is always best to bring up your observations with your child's doctors, teachers or team of specialists. Trust yourself if you have any doubts.
Sleep is a topic that looms large over the first (and second, and third) year of parenting. From the moment my child was born, I was getting advice from every direction. Even when it wasn't advice the question of "How does she sleep?" was ever present. It was hard to resist being consumed it, since every nap and night presented the opportunity to answer differently.
My baby slept... like a baby. At first a lot, then less and less. Sometimes on her own, often on me, or my husband, or a very willing grandparent. Patterns would emerge, then fall away. The things we knew to be true about her, would become so far from the truth as to be unthinkable just a week or two later. She nursed to sleep until she no longer did. Not because of me, but because something within her shifted. In short, her sleep evolved. At times with some gentle nudging from us.
As for us, we slowly, sometimes painfully learned to be flexible. Helping a baby sleep takes patience. It takes being aware of your baby and their needs, as well as your own. What your newborn needs is different from what your six month old needs. And what one child needs will be different from another. You and your baby may both need more time together at night after returning to work, and you might also really need some rest. Like all of our relationships, it is a balance. And it is okay to change our approach when it is no longer working.
Baby Sleep in the First Year is ever unfolding. And so this workshop is about freeing you from the weight of total responsibility for your baby's sleep, while offering the tools to support both your baby and your family in getting the sleep you need however that looks.
We will look at the science of infant sleep, as well as the cultural influences. We will talk about temperament, early experiences, biology and how they function in terms of sleep. We will talk about what your family needs. Maybe that is time with the baby in the evening after work, or time with your partner or for yourself. Maybe it is a baby that can nap on the go, or maybe you need the consistency of a nap at home. We will talk about sleep training and how to support your baby to sleep on their own while cultivating a secure attachment. We will take a look at a variety of sleeping arrangements. And I will leave you with a framework and plan to ensure that baby gets the sleep and the nurturing relationships they need to thrive. All without judgment.
Baby Sleep in the First Year
October 5th & December 7th at Parent Craft
And if you can't make it in person, I offer these classes in your home (in parts of NYC/Brooklyn) or over the phone (anywhere).
I have been speaking with my daughter in Spanish since before she was born. It is my first language, and I feel strongly about sharing it with her. I have family in Chile, Puerto Rico, the US and France. Besides genes and shared history, the thing that unites us all is language. Whether we call a bean un frijol or una habichuela or un poroto, we understand each other. I want my daughter to be a part of that.
As an early childhood educator I understand the benefits of bilingualism--there are many. As a mother, I wanted to hear my heart language in my home. My husband is a native English speaker who learned Spanish while working in a Mexican restaurant. I am grateful that he was willing to join me in expanding the languages that make up our lives. He speaks primarily Spanish with our daughter as well. And while at 2.5 years old she is picking up English at lightning speed, Spanish is truly her first language.
As my child began to look outside our family and take an interest in her world, it became important to surround her with more opportunities to hear Spanish outside the home. I knew from experience and from my education that in order for her to continue to speak a language that is not dominant in her home country, she would need to find social value in it. Exposure is not enough. Community is essential.
I began to look into Spanish language programs. We discovered wonderful music classes--Canta y Baila with Anath Benais at Hootenanny Brooklyn. I toured some preschools. And because nothing near us quite offered the mix of immersion, free play, child-led learning, engaged and like-minded teachers, and community building that I was hoping for... I enlisted a friend and colleague, Paulina Trevino-Oliva, to start our own program.
NIDO Forest has now met for two seasons, and has just started its Otoño / Fall season. We have welcomed families with all kinds of connections to Spanish into our fold. From parents who are native speakers, to families' whose nannies have brought Spanish into the home, to families who have lived abroad, and those who are just curious to try something new. We open our group to all.
My daughter who, in spite of being extremely verbal at a young age, was at first unsure about how to communicate with other children has blossomed socially in this group. The children have grown in their confidence, risk taking, creativity, and problem solving. Most importantly we have shared many laughs--a universal language.
You can learn more about NIDO Forest, including how to register at www.nidoforest.com
Some of our classes are at capacity, but there are a couple of spaces left in others and we are exploring how and where to grow in the Spring. Feel free to reach out with ideas!
I'm often asked about recommendations for potty training gear. Generally I stay away from anything too specific because it truly depends on the child. Some might prefer sitting right on the toilet, others will want a potty on the floor. Some will love having a character themed potty, other families and children may prefer something less attention grabbing. That being said, I'm all too familiar with the hours that can be lost to reading product reviews and having done this whole potty thing a few times, I do have some favorites. If you're feeling overwhelmed and want a short list of the basics, look no further.
These are all available for purchase at The Wild, a store and community resource I am proud to be a part of. If you attend a Mindful Potty Training workshop you can pick them up on your way out! I also often see similar or these very same items being passed down in neighborhood groups, so consider reaching out to your community. Finally, while these things are nice to have and may support your child in their process, know that they are by no means necessary. All you really need to help your child learn to use the toilet is you, your understanding, and your bathroom. And maybe some extra rags or paper towels.
Of all the questions that would come up at parent-teacher conferences when I was in the preschool classroom, the one that came up most often was "How do we start potty training?" Sometimes it was asked in other ways like "Is she ready to potty train?" or "Is he interested in the potty at school?" Sometimes it was asked in hindsight, "We tried to potty train last weekend but..." As a teacher, I appreciated being included in the process so we could join forces to sort out the noise from what we knew about each particular child, their abilities and their needs.
There seem to be two loud voices when it comes to potty training these days. On the one hand, are folks who say that children will do it on their own, which is often misinterpreted as needing to do nothing at all as a parent. On the other, are the folks that claim that children can be trained in a weekend if only you would clear your schedule and just do it already. In my experience, most families' lived experiences are somewhere in between.
Mindful Potty Training aims to demystify the process of learning how to use the toilet. This process is unique and individual to each child, so the workshop is not a straight how-to. Instead, I present families with the knowledge and tools to support their child through understanding and connection. Yes, there are concrete suggestions. And yes, I lay out some guidelines for how things can unfold. But the focus is on understanding how to support YOUR child and why it matters.
Learning to use the potty is more than a milestone to check off a list. It is an opportunity for a child to grow in their self-confidence, while building their relationships with caregivers. And it can be stress-free!
Whether you're curious and looking ahead, or needing an alternative after a stressful attempt at teaching your child to use the potty, consider joining an upcoming Mindful Potty Training class at The Wild or hosting one in your home.
September 7th, 3-4:30pm at The Wild
November 2nd, 3-4:40pm at The Wild