In my last newsletter, I shared a post written by a fellow progressive educator who goes by Teacher Tom. In his post Isn't it also belittling to children? he shares some thoughts on how well-meaning adults can inadvertently limit children's exploration, and by extension their learning, by offering their own explanations or definitions as a way of teaching or engaging in children's play.
I have witnessed many similar situations to those that Teacher Tom describes. Innocent questions such as "What are you drawing?" that result in a child's experience being abruptly and automatically limited by an adult's comment. As an early childhood teacher, a large part of my own practice is dedicated to understanding how to extend children's learning through our interactions. And it does take practice!
To be clear, it's not that asking a reductive question ("What color is this?") or making a comment that is prescriptive ("This is how you connect the legos.") is catastrophic or even deeply problematic. We experience enough pressure as parents to also be asked to second-guess every word that comes out of our mouths. Being in relationship and playing with your child is much more important than being able to ask the "best" or "right" question--as if there is one. But it you find yourself curious to explore different ways of participating in your child's play and learning, here are some things you could consider exploring.
1- Observe - Often just being with your child, watching what they are doing, how they are doing it, and staying close by is enough. The feeling of being seen and appreciated is valued by all people, including children. It alone can support learning and exploration. This pausing to watch also allows time for us to check in with ourselves before speaking. Am I present? Am I curious? Am I breathing?
2- Connect - A close friend and fellow teacher would say he tried to be like the air in the classroom. Always there but an invisible support until needed or invited in. Sometimes the invitation is your child looking up at you. Sometimes it might be a question, a shared laugh, or a "Come play with me!" And sometimes it may be that it's you that wants to connect and let them know that you see what they are doing and are interested. Try starting with simply noticing together. "I notice how carefully you're lining up the blocks." "I remember you lined them up just like this yesterday."
3- Reflect together - In observing you might become curious to know more about what your child is exploring. Maybe you wonder what experiences are informing their ideas. Extending children's learning is not about telling them what you know, but rather guiding them to reflect and share their own ideas and finding opportunities to expand their thinking. Wondering together is a great way to do this. "I wonder if you've seen something like this before..." "Ah, yes! You are lining them up like train cars!" "I wonder where this train might be going."
These 3 steps can serve as a guide for playing with babies, toddlers and beyond! If you try them and find them helpful I'd love to hear.
Toddlers are confusing. Never did I understand this so well as when my own child entered toddlerhood. Even with over a decade of experience working specifically with this age group, at times I found myself scratching my head and wondering what in the @#$&# was going on. When it came to my own daughter, I needed to remind myself to step back and understand things from a developmental perspective, and so this workshop came about.
Understanding Toddler Emotions is the workshop I needed when my child started to assert her independence with a full-throated "NO." The information I have gathered here is what allows me to approach her from a place of compassion when she cries that I "broke her orange" by peeling it, and with patience and boundaries when she attempts to extend our night-time routine by just a little more each night. A combination of developmental theory, practical tools, and mantras to hold onto in the most challenging moments, this workshop is your companion guide to the toddler years. A year after I initially put it together, I still walk away from each session reminded of something that I know I'll use this very week in my own home.
If you've entered into this exciting chapter of parenthood, and are looking for some answers, some community, and some laughs, consider joining one of the next classes or hosting one in your home.
Understanding Toddler Emotions
December 7th, 3-4:40pm at The wild
I am a big fan of using mantras as a parent. The right mantra has the power to bring focus and awareness to a moment that has almost gotten away from me. It can help me quiet the static in my head so that I am able to respond to my child sensitively rather than reacting from a place of frustration, misunderstanding, or disconnect.
A good mantra is one that speaks to you. It should be simple and easy to remember. It could be a sound to bring you back into yourself. It could be a word that reminds you to "breathe" or "wait." It could even be a phrase that reminds you of an important truth and brings perspective to a moment.
One of my recent favorite mantras is Michelle Obama's famous phrase:
"When they go low, we go high."
There are several reasons why I find this an effective phrase to call up. First of all, I find that calling it up in the face of a negotiation with a determined toddler makes me laugh. Humor helps me find some space in the situation and I am able to breathe a little easier. It also gives me an instant perspective--the gravity of the low that Michelle was referring to reminds me that however big a conflict with a toddler can seem, I am more than equipped to handle it.
Most importantly it reminds me of a truth about development. Our prefrontal cortex (the outermost, frontal part of the brain) does not finish developing until the mid-late twenties. This "highest" part of the brain is responsible for executive functions including:
-reason & logic
It is the part of the brain we are relying on as adults when we have had a long day and our commute home gets extended. Here in NYC I see it on the subway. Delays are announced and folks have all kinds of "high brain" strategies for dealing with the frustration. Breathing, distracting themselves with reading or a phone, shifting back and forth, walking to the other end of the train, sighing, sharing the frustration with another commuter.
Toddlers, no matter how precocious, do not have the full range of access to these abilities that we do as adults. Even as adults, depending on our level of stress, our childhood experiences, our emotional state, past trauma, and other factors, we are not always able to rely on our prefrontal cortex to regulate how we respond to a given situation. In the subway example, I notice this in my own increasing desire to let out a frustrated scream.
So toddlers, especially emotionally overwhelmed toddlers, are operating from a deeper or "lower" part of the brain that is instinctive and impossible for them to rationally control. There is no conscious manipulation. There is no intent to hurt or anger.
When confronted with a toddler who is "going low" our responsibility is to "go high." This means that we, who have access to reason, understanding and perspective taking, put those abilities to good use. We meet our toddler with empathy. We become their calm. We acknowledge their emotions without judgement. We wait with them. Each situation will be unique.
As we model "going high" the most amazing thing happens and our toddler's brains begin to learn and shape themselves after us. Over time, and with lots of repetition we are giving them the gift of a robust and well developed brain that can handle anything that comes its way.
I have been speaking with my daughter in Spanish since before she was born. It is my first language, and I feel strongly about sharing it with her. I have family in Chile, Puerto Rico, the US and France. Besides genes and shared history, the thing that unites us all is language. Whether we call a bean un frijol or una habichuela or un poroto, we understand each other. I want my daughter to be a part of that.
As an early childhood educator I understand the benefits of bilingualism--there are many. As a mother, I wanted to hear my heart language in my home. My husband is a native English speaker who learned Spanish while working in a Mexican restaurant. I am grateful that he was willing to join me in expanding the languages that make up our lives. He speaks primarily Spanish with our daughter as well. And while at 2.5 years old she is picking up English at lightning speed, Spanish is truly her first language.
As my child began to look outside our family and take an interest in her world, it became important to surround her with more opportunities to hear Spanish outside the home. I knew from experience and from my education that in order for her to continue to speak a language that is not dominant in her home country, she would need to find social value in it. Exposure is not enough. Community is essential.
I began to look into Spanish language programs. We discovered wonderful music classes--Canta y Baila with Anath Benais at Hootenanny Brooklyn. I toured some preschools. And because nothing near us quite offered the mix of immersion, free play, child-led learning, engaged and like-minded teachers, and community building that I was hoping for... I enlisted a friend and colleague, Paulina Trevino-Oliva, to start our own program.
NIDO Forest has now met for two seasons, and has just started its Otoño / Fall season. We have welcomed families with all kinds of connections to Spanish into our fold. From parents who are native speakers, to families' whose nannies have brought Spanish into the home, to families who have lived abroad, and those who are just curious to try something new. We open our group to all.
My daughter who, in spite of being extremely verbal at a young age, was at first unsure about how to communicate with other children has blossomed socially in this group. The children have grown in their confidence, risk taking, creativity, and problem solving. Most importantly we have shared many laughs--a universal language.
You can learn more about NIDO Forest, including how to register at www.nidoforest.com
Some of our classes are at capacity, but there are a couple of spaces left in others and we are exploring how and where to grow in the Spring. Feel free to reach out with ideas!
Of all the questions that would come up at parent-teacher conferences when I was in the preschool classroom, the one that came up most often was "How do we start potty training?" Sometimes it was asked in other ways like "Is she ready to potty train?" or "Is he interested in the potty at school?" Sometimes it was asked in hindsight, "We tried to potty train last weekend but..." As a teacher, I appreciated being included in the process so we could join forces to sort out the noise from what we knew about each particular child, their abilities and their needs.
There seem to be two loud voices when it comes to potty training these days. On the one hand, are folks who say that children will do it on their own, which is often misinterpreted as needing to do nothing at all as a parent. On the other, are the folks that claim that children can be trained in a weekend if only you would clear your schedule and just do it already. In my experience, most families' lived experiences are somewhere in between.
Mindful Potty Training aims to demystify the process of learning how to use the toilet. This process is unique and individual to each child, so the workshop is not a straight how-to. Instead, I present families with the knowledge and tools to support their child through understanding and connection. Yes, there are concrete suggestions. And yes, I lay out some guidelines for how things can unfold. But the focus is on understanding how to support YOUR child and why it matters.
Learning to use the potty is more than a milestone to check off a list. It is an opportunity for a child to grow in their self-confidence, while building their relationships with caregivers. And it can be stress-free!
Whether you're curious and looking ahead, or needing an alternative after a stressful attempt at teaching your child to use the potty, consider joining an upcoming Mindful Potty Training class at The Wild or hosting one in your home.
September 7th, 3-4:30pm at The Wild
November 2nd, 3-4:40pm at The Wild
The first workshop I developed for Babies & Toddlers Understood was a separation workshop for parents whose children were starting preschool. It is a very familiar subject for me as a former preschool teacher, and one that I feel passionately about. I have co-led and observed orientation and separation workshops at all of the schools that I have worked at, and have seen what a big difference it makes for parents to go into the first day feeling informed and confident about how to say goodbye and why it matters.
Often orientation nights also include a flood of other information like what to pack, whether to bring snack, how to label things, illness policies, classroom policies, how to sign a child in or out... you get the idea. The best orientations, and I have had the good fortune to be a part of some great ones, are able to balance this with the important task of helping parents understand separation. In others, this is lost or not even discussed.
Keys to a Successful Drop-off is an opportunity for parents and caregivers to focus exclusively on separation and how to support the process. It offers a close look at separation and attachment, and how to help a child transfer trust from their parent to a teacher. I believe parents are better prepared when they understand the reasons behind their children's behavior, what a school is asking of them (phase ins, quick goodbyes, or never sneaking out), and my suggestions. This workshop balances theory and knowledge with practical advice and concrete suggestions.
As we look towards a new school year, I have revisited my notes for this workshop with the feedback I received and am looking forward to supporting more families as they reach this exciting milestone!
Whether your child is starting preschool or daycare, this workshop is for you.
August 27th, 6-7:30pm at The Wild
August 28th, 6-7pm at Busy Bodies